Monday Night Football - 2025 Fantasy Preview - Week 13

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE THEIR NATIONAL CURRENCY DEBASED BY COLLECTABLES LIKE BEANIE BABIES AND/OR HOT WHEELS CARS

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

It is week 13 and after attempting to understand the different potential outcomes of tonight’s game - ive determined I would not be remotely good at chess. My brain shuts down after attempting to simulate more than 2 layers deep, I get frustrated, immediately adopt a victim mentality, and take it out on those most historically supportive around me. I turned to Gondor AI for aid, and was left similarly frustrated by its incompetence. At least I require slightly less water than a full almond crop to produce an underwhelming and inaccurate answer 🤷🏻‍♂️ 3 matchups still hang in the balance - but really only one of them matters for playoff implications. After years of peppering the chat with arcane references, exhibiting slightly concerning obsessive characteristics, Nick has finally earned the solitary spotlight of the league. It is he alone who will determine if we proceed into week 14 with a chalk outcome (8 wins and you are in, else highest points for) or if we enter THE CHAOS SCENARIO (the lowest 8 win points for likely wont qualify). Hang up on your loved ones, it’s time for the MNFP.

Games

New York Giants (2–10) vs New England Patriots (10–2) 5:15 PM PT / 8:15 PM ET on ESPN Line: Patriots –7.5

Matchups

✅ 100% – 42.91 pts: YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (7-5) vs GADSDEN Godsend (7-5)

The OOPS all Packers lineup finally hit while Scott’s high flying lineup froze in the cold of late November en route to a SOMEBODY CALL 911, SHAWTAY FIRE BURNING ON THE DANCE FLOOR - WHOAAA biggest BIG UP THE WHOLE ISLAND BOMBOCLAT BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK - sponsored by Gasolina Alcoholic SanGriiia Pouches. As best I can tell, this basically means that Scott will need to beat whoever he gets matched up with next week EXCEPT for if it’s Nick. If he faces Nick - a loss + a Matt #2 week 14 loss and retaining the pts for qualifier is also a success path. I could be totally wrong, but I believe Scott should want Nick to win tonight, to open up his lose out and still make the playoff path for himself. Fitting week to receive a team rename as team namesake Gadsden has now gone for a combined 12.5 pts over the last 4 weeks. This is a huge win for Dan, who now only needs to avoid the very particular outcome of losing in week 14 + Nick winning week 13 + Nick losing week 14 + Scott winning in week 14 + Matt #2 winning in week 14.

✅ 100% – 1.86 pts: Bricked up (8-4) vs BOMBOCLAT BLITZERS 🏴🤬🇯🇲 (3-9)

Wasabi lovers DO NOT want to see this team in week 16. Skylar made a STRONG statement towards his case for worst in the league by dropping another sub 100 pt week and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory vs father of two, and next in line for the Alex slaughter - Bricked Up. The win does guarantee playoff birth for Keith, for sets up a week 14 matchup with regular season juggernaut - hot gibby. A week 14 win would give him the #1 seed, while a loss would leave him fighting the pts for battle vs the winner of Dan vs Patrick to retain a first round bye. As for Skylar - at least he will finish up sitting on a $23 FaaB #jordanMentality #theCharlotteBobcatsVersion.

99% – 30.46 pts: lol i luv kiwi 🥝🥝🥝 (6-6) vs Robotripping Gardener (8-4)

You know during the litiny of the saints where they talk about all the saints, and then say “PRAY FOR US” and the whole song lasts 10+ minutes? That’s kinda like whats going on with Robotripping Gardener, expect all the saints are Theo Johnson. Assuming Theo isnt gifted a 40+ night from Jackson “cant quite tell if hes invited to the cookout” Dart, Robo will slide to a critical week 14 that could see him anywhere from reclaiming #2 seed to failing to qualify for playoffs entirely. As for Matt #2 -> this was a MASSIVE win for his playoff chances, as he has now put himself into contention provided he can snag a final win in week 14. A nick loss makes this path more clean, but will likely result in needing to beat a better opponent.

89% – 13.48 pts: Blazed Balls (5-7) vs Hot Gibby’s French Fries (9-3)

What’s hotter that scalding hot grease splattering out of the grease trap and directly into your 5 year old retinas at the TC midway? Hy Doan’s BLAZED BALLS - riding a SCORTCHING 2 game win streak making a final desperation push for playoff birth - it will be all about the points for qualification, and he will need absolutely every point he can get to make up his current ~100pt deficit to the Scotts/Jams of the world. He is 100% in team Nick wins out camp and will be hoping Drake Maye goes thermonuclear on the permafrosted injury prone turf of MetLife Stadium tonight. Hot Gibby has locked up a first round bye as a worst case scenario with an outrageous points for lead, and will hopefully use the next few weeks deciding on exactly the wrong players to trot out in week 16.

70% – 8.68 pts: Started Alec Pierce (5-7) vs Detroit Tropics 11th PLACE! (4-8)

The outcome of this matchup doesn’t matter much, but Jam needs Stefon Diggs + Hunter Henry to score as many points as possible to bolster his points-for case in case chaos ensues from a Nick win. Even with a Nick loss, Jam and Scott are the two teams most likely to close the points-for gap and overtake our esteemed commish.

55% – 2.16 pts: Oof ouchie my dignity (4-8) vs Milk Men (6-6)

We had to shut down power to a few secondary market cities and reroute to data centers to get to the bottom of this, but we are prepared to finally put out our official statement on the matter: Nick should want to win this matchup. A win tonight, and he will control more of his playoff destiny in week 14 than a loss - he will effectively be less exposed to a singularly high pts for performance from Jam knocking him out of the playoffs. All that to say, for Nick to win tonight - he will need NE Kicker + TreVeyon Henderson to outscore Wan’Dale by < 11.43. In sum, if Nick loses tonight: Patrick, Dan, and winner of Scott v Matt#2 are playoff locks. If Nick wins - not a single one of those names are guaranteed to make playoffs - and the field of potential qualifiers expands to include jam, hy, and even diego. As a final note - don’t believe anything you read in this MNFP, its likely wrong. It’s time for MNF

Buy me a coffee or at least cover my veneers #stainedAndAshamed